So, it's been awhile.

A new month, a brand new start. Late August through all of September ended up being quite rough. Whether it was people dying, financial troubles, or having my family upset with me, something was always happening. It filled me with a lot of sadness.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had a falling out with three of my friends. I certainly don't blame them. I was being too clingy and overwhelming. I was depending on them too much to have them cheer me up and ignoring the problems that they were experiencing.

The break was really rough on me. It wasn't the fact that they weren't talking to me that was upsetting; what was upsetting was that other people got involved and took this time to make fun of me and make me feel horrible. Some of these people were people I never would have expected. 2 of them being the friends that wanted a break from me.

I stopped eating.

I slept, but I never slept. You know what I mean? I slept but never rested. I don't know how to explain it. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I never ate because I was nervous that I was going to have an anxiety attack and throw it all back up. It was horrible.

Now, almost a month later, things are almost back to normal. I have 2 of my 3 friends back. My other friend I don't think thinks of me as a friend anymore. It's sad, but it happens.

Yet, any thoughts that I have, I'm going to have to write here. This is my secret blog. I used to have another blog but that has too many people reading it that I don't want. It's quite sad, really, that I have to jot everything here because I'm afraid of the wrong people reading this blog. I don't want people thinking that I'm trying to start more drama. No matter what people say, I am NOT a drama queen. Drama tends to find ME. I don't go searching for it. I don't like it. I've dealt with so much drama this year, that I just want to have ONE month sans-drama.

There's only two people that know about this blog (and 1 guy that knows about my journal...damn Eddie at work for hijacking my journal and reading this!)...and it's going to remain that way. I trust these people with this blog. I know that they won't tell anyone about it unless they ask my permission.

I was supposed to go back to Miami this weekend. I was going to go to Halloween Horror Nights with them in Orlando. I was going as Cuddy and my other friend was going to go as House. But then we got into this break thing. As far as I know, they are still going. And you know, that's fine. I'm not going to bitch about how they can't have fun without me. That's stupid. However, I'm just upset that I can't be a part of it anymore. I was looking so forward to it. It's my fault. If I weren't so overbearing and clingy, I'd be packing my bags right now.

I feel like there's more I need to say, but can't think of anything.

Note:

Note: Never give Liv alcohol and then direct her to Blogspot. She WILL end up writing drunken bullshit.

It's past 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I've tried. I feel sick to my stomach but I don't want to throw up. I'm sitting here battling this sickness. I will probably try going to bed after I write this, but I have a lot on my mind.

I'm scared of dying alone. I'm scared of dying young. I might have some kind of genetic disease that makes it possible for me to die of blood clots. That scares me. That scares me more than you will ever know. And, the fact that I am single doesn't make things any better.

I know that I do not need a man to validate me. I get told that A LOT. While I may not need a man to validate me, I need to feel validated, period. People don 't understand that. I've been teased for most of my life. People have lied to me, pretended to be friends with me, backstabbed me, and hurt me in ways that you couldn't even imagine. I was the girl that people warned about for others that lived in different cities. I was the girl that people bribed others to coupleskate with at the ice skating rink. I was the girl people pulled pranks on, and then laughed me out of the place. I'm the girl that will always be the shoulder, but if I need someone to be my shoulder, I'm selfish and self-centered. I dated a guy in college who told me he loved me, yet he threw me against walls or grabbed me to the point of bruising or blood being drawn just because I disagreed with him.

Besides my family, I've never really felt validated. I've been beaten and broken so many times that I have no confidence in myself. I know that I should learn to love myself before I love someone else, but really...how can I do that? How can I love myself after all that's happened to me? Was I destined for this? I'm really starting to think that I wasn't destined to be happy. The moment I think I find happiness, something always happens. Always. Some sort of rejection.

I know it's silly, but I need to be told that I'm wanted. In any way, may it be romantically or platonically. I need to know that people want to have me around. Because I'm not so sure sometimes if people do.

I wonder...

So, that guy I was talking about in my last blog? I showed him this entry.

I didn't know what he'd think. I was nervous. I was incredibly nervous.

I showed him this entry.

Guess what?

He's been dating an old lady friend of his for the past couple of weeks.

And, you know...I'm happy for him. While this blog may say otherwise, I really am. I want him to be happy. He deserves it.

I just wonder if things would have been different if I had told him like...a month and a half ago, 2 months ago, that I wanted to be with him.

I started talking to him...my guard was way up. But my guard would slowly start coming down until finally...I knew that I wanted to be with him. It was so stupid to think...and I was scared to even say anything because I worried too much what he would have thought. Was that a mistake? Should I have said something sooner? I didn't know what he would think, that some...21 year old wanted to be with him. So I kept it quiet until I just...I don't really know what happened. But I knew that I was ready to tell him.

I know it's not that big of a deal, and I don't want to make him feel guilty for finding someone, but just...fuck. It's been almost a week since he told me, and I'm still sitting here thinking if things would be different. I'm still beating myself up for letting myself start to fall for him.

I don't know. I think I give up.

"Got me out here and the water's so deep..."

Wow. What the hell was that stuff that I wrote the other night? I was crazy sleepy. So, I'm going to try and explain this in the best way that I can without sounding overtly desparate/crazy stalker-ish. I'm eventually gonna make him read this.

Okay, okay, maybe not make him. Just...kindly direct to.

:D

So, he's older for one thing. But that kind of stuff doesn't really bother me as much. In fact, I prefer older guys because they don't really string you along like younger guys do. I've always been told, "You're young. Have fun." My idea of having fun isn't hooking up. That's NEVER been me, ever. I get too attached. That's how I started dating my ex, Edik. We hooked up. By the next day, we were dating. Not very smart.

So, where was I going with this? Oh, right. He's older. Not like...50 years old older, but he's in his thirties. He's incredibly sweet, and oh man can he make me laugh like no other.

We met around last year. I didn't find out until like...April that he'd always enjoyed my company a lot. I went through a pretty rough break-up and he was one of the very first people to reach out to me. Actually, when I hadn't announced the break-up to everyone else I knew, he kinda picked up on the fact that something was wrong. I wasn't as happy anymore. So, he reached out.

I wish he didn't live so far away. =\ Because I kinda wanna be with him.

BUT, I need to finish this (that's what she said). I just want him to know how I feel.

It's 3:30 in the morning...

...and I can't sleep. I've gotten little amounts of sleep for the past couple of days. I'm just...I don't even know. I avoid going to bed at night. I hate going to bed alone. I don't care that I share a room with my sister. It's not the same.

So here I am. It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm listening to The Spill Canvas "All Over You". My eyelids are heavy. But I need to get this blog out. If I don't, I'll be laying in bed all night with these thoughts. How do I put these words down? How do I word them?

...

It's been like 10 minutes and I've been starting at the blinking cursor. I'm not sure if it's the music that's distracting me or if I'm just honestly at a loss for words. I just need to get this out but I'm scared and sad and...I just don't know.

I want to be with him. I want to be with him so bad that whenever we talk, I just hope that he feels the same way. It's like when we talk...he makes me laugh. He's got the same sense of humor as I do. And he's just so ridiculously sweet. We have a lot of things in common, personality wise.

He's older. When he first expressed an interest in me, I was quite surprised because honestly...well...I just wasn't expecting that. It took off from there. I'm planning on showing him this blog.

We flirt, and we tease. We laugh and we talk. I can talk to him about pretty much everything.

Shit. It's almost 4 in the morning and I still can't word this right. I should probably do this when I'm more awake and not out of it.

The gist is that I wanna be with him. Really bad. I can picture us together. I can picture us happy.

I want him to know that.

This blog is incredibly laughable at me trying to pinpoint my feelings. It's like...happiness, content, but at the same time...a little lonely-ish? I'm not sure.

Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You know what? I have no idea what the fuck to say to you anymore. Did you know that?

Oh, man. There was a time when I would have dropped EVERYTHING to hear you say that you returned the feelings for me that I had for you. There was a time where I could imagine us talking and then you just letting me know that you have feelings for me, because you make it so fucking obvious.

You needed to stop being so stubborn. You needed to fucking get OVER yourself. No one wants to be hurt, I know that.

But did you honestly just expect me to stick around forever? Did you honestly expect me to continue being strung along with no complaint or anything?

I don't deserve that bullshit. Not from you, not from ANYONE. It's why I started dating my ex. You told me that nothing could happen from us. But when I started seeing him, I knew that I had hurt you. Being the cause of your pain at the time made me feel horrible. I didn't want to hurt you.

And then after the break up...are you fucking serious? Are you SERIOUS? "No Liv, I don't like you, but let me take my shirt off while I'm telling you this."

Guess what? I don't HAVE forever. And if you expected me to stick around all this time, you had another thing coming. You are way too late. I met someone else. He treats me the way I need to be treated. He's wonderful. We're not even in a fucking relationship, but at least he has the balls to admit to me how he feels.

You are a great guy. You really are, and you deserve a lot of good things. But you also know the shit I've been through since November. I figured that you out of all people would understand that. You honestly just can't expect me to wait for me to change your mind. And I haven't.