Note:

Note: Never give Liv alcohol and then direct her to Blogspot. She WILL end up writing drunken bullshit.

It's past 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I've tried. I feel sick to my stomach but I don't want to throw up. I'm sitting here battling this sickness. I will probably try going to bed after I write this, but I have a lot on my mind.

I'm scared of dying alone. I'm scared of dying young. I might have some kind of genetic disease that makes it possible for me to die of blood clots. That scares me. That scares me more than you will ever know. And, the fact that I am single doesn't make things any better.

I know that I do not need a man to validate me. I get told that A LOT. While I may not need a man to validate me, I need to feel validated, period. People don 't understand that. I've been teased for most of my life. People have lied to me, pretended to be friends with me, backstabbed me, and hurt me in ways that you couldn't even imagine. I was the girl that people warned about for others that lived in different cities. I was the girl that people bribed others to coupleskate with at the ice skating rink. I was the girl people pulled pranks on, and then laughed me out of the place. I'm the girl that will always be the shoulder, but if I need someone to be my shoulder, I'm selfish and self-centered. I dated a guy in college who told me he loved me, yet he threw me against walls or grabbed me to the point of bruising or blood being drawn just because I disagreed with him.

Besides my family, I've never really felt validated. I've been beaten and broken so many times that I have no confidence in myself. I know that I should learn to love myself before I love someone else, but really...how can I do that? How can I love myself after all that's happened to me? Was I destined for this? I'm really starting to think that I wasn't destined to be happy. The moment I think I find happiness, something always happens. Always. Some sort of rejection.

I know it's silly, but I need to be told that I'm wanted. In any way, may it be romantically or platonically. I need to know that people want to have me around. Because I'm not so sure sometimes if people do.