I wonder...

So, that guy I was talking about in my last blog? I showed him this entry.

I didn't know what he'd think. I was nervous. I was incredibly nervous.

I showed him this entry.

Guess what?

He's been dating an old lady friend of his for the past couple of weeks.

And, you know...I'm happy for him. While this blog may say otherwise, I really am. I want him to be happy. He deserves it.

I just wonder if things would have been different if I had told him like...a month and a half ago, 2 months ago, that I wanted to be with him.

I started talking to him...my guard was way up. But my guard would slowly start coming down until finally...I knew that I wanted to be with him. It was so stupid to think...and I was scared to even say anything because I worried too much what he would have thought. Was that a mistake? Should I have said something sooner? I didn't know what he would think, that some...21 year old wanted to be with him. So I kept it quiet until I just...I don't really know what happened. But I knew that I was ready to tell him.

I know it's not that big of a deal, and I don't want to make him feel guilty for finding someone, but just...fuck. It's been almost a week since he told me, and I'm still sitting here thinking if things would be different. I'm still beating myself up for letting myself start to fall for him.

I don't know. I think I give up.